Being sick sucks! Anxiety sucks! Death, ya- that sucks too. This is a trilogy of posts...yikes!

This is my ending, I've decided to post it first. I went all over the place with myself today. Enjoy.

When someone dies, do they leave and are they forgotten?

I love this question so much, I had to bold and underline it. This question is fantastic, it makes you THINK. It takes that anxiety ridden brain and slows it, it focuses it. My body is vibrating with excitement right now!

A person that we truly love and admire, someone that has touched us in a certain way, that special way never really leaves us. We just have to choose to remember the moments we shared, everything we need and want from a person that has passed is locked up in that beautiful brain of ours, waiting for us to find it and enjoy those memories.

My father died almost 14 years ago, it took me 10 years to even say "My dad is dead"
My mother is still not allowed to talk about him, her fault. Don't bad mouth a dead man, especially to his daughter who is convinced that the sun rises and sets because of him.
Ya, my dad was that badass, dare I say it, Chuck Norris has nothing on him. Oh and he would have beat my ass for me calling him an ass earlier in this post.
I'm sorry, I'm not sorry.

Hell ya I miss him, that will never stop. Ever. But it gets easier.

But I still have my dad, up there in my head, every experience we shared is there. Trips to Dillon's Beach, different hot rods we restored, some memories are stronger than others. Some are altogether crappy memories, usually when I was in trouble. *I catalog those for reprimanding my kids, hehe* 

Some memories are tough and have to be triggered by others memories of him, these are the best memories yet most difficult for me to handle.
In fact, there was a point in time where I shut them out entirely, I didn't want anyone speaking of my dad. I wanted no one to make me feel that way ever again, tears stinging  my eyes and the tightness in my chest. The mere mention of his name was like I was losing him all over again, to add a memory to it was too much. I longed for those memories to be replayed in real life.
I was angry. I wanted my dad.
That was the beginning of my detachment with my father, for years I numbed myself to any feelings. Not only did I shut out my dad and all the feelings associated with his loss, but my anxiety begin. I lost weight, LOTS of weight. I lost friends, I developed a fear of abandonment, and made bad choices.
I forgot it all. No memory = no pain, right?
I only had myself to thank for it.
I was so wrong. Don't do what I did.

They say a rumor looses it's power when you stop spreading it. 

Well, for me that rings true for those that pass away.

A spirit looses it's power when you no longer speak of it.

*Oh boy I'm excited again, sharing what's in my crazy brain!!*

Almost three years ago, my life changed. I have mentioned Sam and her incredible ability before, but three years ago Sam came into my life. Sam showed me that I was wrong for pushing my feelings aside, she helped me embrace the pain I felt and harness it's energy to help me heal and feel my father again.
What I should have done this entire time.
Sam helped me get my life back, helped me find my center and helped me live. Not only was I taking power away from my father's spirit, I was taking away from mine.

By someone else mentioning my father it was generating more power to his spirit, power I was not prepared for. What I first thought was sadness, wasn't.
It was just my daddy storing more memories in my brain, more reasons to smile and remember him.

With this knowledge, I started to feel alive again. My brain ignited and feelings, memories and experiences came flowing back into me. I became emotional, in a good way. I started to laugh, like cheeks and abs hurting laugh. I made better choices for me and my children. Pretty much, I got my shit together.

So ya, I was angry when he died, who wouldn't be. I felt as if I had been cheated, I still needed more time. I had more to learn.
What I didn't realize was that he had given me the tools to succeed, and if I had any questions, my notes were stored as memories in my brain.



The REAL beginning: *hehe*

Being in any way pleasant, when sick, sucks even worse. I'm grumpy, I don't feel well and I have NO time for any of it.

I was just telling Blondie, "I haven't been sick sick since we met" He wasn't quite sure what I meant, but I have sick issues, when I am sick it's for months. I don't recover well because I never give myself time to recover.When I am sick, I need sleep. That is my best medicine, rest. *along with vitamin C, garlic, and multi-vitamins.*

Ready to hear my complaint? I am sick! I am achy, my nose is bright red, I have a full set of luggage under my eyes, my lungs are weak, I am super sensitive to scents; flowers, perfume, especially cigarettes, I can't breathe seems like all I do is wheeze, forget sleeping because it's not possible, toss turn toss turn, *cardio at night anyone?*, my nose is either the hoover dam or Niagara falls, sometimes both...at once.

Pretty, right?

Then there is this figure competition that I have been dieting for. 8 weeks left, yikes! I got measured and didn't lose as much body fat as I had hoped, but dang I am still down a lot. I should be proud of myself, but I'm not.
I haven't been training like I should, I have had more cheat meals than I should. But not anymore. I can't give up on this, I won't fail. This was something I wanted to do with Blondie, but I'm feeling alone. Which is odd because I know I have Blondie to talk to, to train with, to prep with. I have my trainer, Casey who is always available and pretty much a pro at listening to me b!tch about $hit that I'll forget about in 2 weeks. My kids motivate me, Little Buddy is almost as good as we are about prepping meals.
"Momma don't you need two bags of protein and two pineapple?"
Meh, get yourself together, it's just the gym. The weights don't grow legs and attack you, you do this at Casey's, do it at 24!

Along with being sick, and extremely discouraged about my show, I am not able to control my anxiety.
Sickness and anxiety go hand in hand for me.

*I should have labeled post, Caution: Pity party, enter at your own risk*

I've battled this damn anxiety crap for years, about 14 years to be exact.
*I really should blame all of this on my father, he is the one that died. Ass.Yes, he is an ass for dying, I wasn't done learning from him yet. Ass ass ass ass meh ass.*
Most of the time, when I'm not sick and physically weak,  I can chill myself out and mentally stabilize myself. I have learned that everything in life has choices; so instead of allowing or choosing to let my anxiety consume me, I simply choose to not give it the power to ruin my day, mood, diet, life. My anxiety is used to empower me, it is my fuel to be better and to be stronger...
Not today! I am freaking the eff out.
Knees shaking, heart is racing, ears are plugged and ringing *sick remember*, my heart is going a million miles an hour and my brain, good lord.  my brain is traveling at speeds that would make Captain Kirk dramatically throw himself around in shock.

*I can still be funny while sick and smack dab in the middle of anxiety, go me! Ass*

If I don't laugh, I'll cry, if I don't laugh I'll cry. Must not give up.

You know what helped a lot last night? Mini Me, in her wisdom BEYOND her years, suggested I sit and paint my nails with her, she gave me this look like. "Dammit momma, sit your skinny butt down next to me and chill out, you can't do it all right now, you can't fix it all right now and those chipped nails aren't going to help." And you know what, I did. She brought out her paints, cause she's girly and has some, and we did our nails. I calmed down.

So here I sit, thinking of why I'm upset, bothered, anxiety ridden.
I've made lists, thank you Blondie. I have checked $hit off those lists, which is cool.
I have relaxed myself through breathing.
I have an amazing job with equally amazing co-workers.
I have built some pretty dang great friendships.
I started this blog, which is a MAJOR help in getting things out. I had no idea how fun this would actually be for me, even if no one reads. ha!
Little Buddy is doing amazing in school, that in itself should send me over the moon.

I still have weak days; the third Sunday in June, July 1st and Sept. 10th to be exact. But at least I can expect them so they really shouldn't sideline me like this, at least not after 14 damn years, right?

*look on a calendar you bloody idiot, prepare better for these days and they won't sucker punch you*

So now that I've written all of that, spit it out of my little fingers and onto the page, I have managed to calm down

~I have realized that how I am feeling about every aspect of my life is normal, nothing in life should go easily, if it does, we might take it for granted. Take nothing for granted.

~Everyone has one thing, maybe more, that truly makes them happy, do it. Do it often and truly enjoy it.
Live baby, live!

~People set goals, some get met, some don't, the only time you fail is when you quit.
*dammit dad, right again*

~We lose people we love and it sucks. When loss happens we feel lost, angry, excruciating pain, frustration, wonder, did I say anger?
*You can say anger twice, it's an odd anger. Like you might combust from it's sheer heat and pissed-off-ness.*
We can't be here forever, each and every person we encounter, has an expiration date. Are we ever ready to say goodby forever? Nope. Does that person leave and get forgotten? Ha! That is the right question!

The answer is above.