Disappointment, heartache, pain, healing, strength, knowledge...

Disappointment, heartache, pain, healing, strength, knowledge...

I see posts on Facebook about people being disappointed in others, disappointed that they trusted someone that didn't deserve it, or they made a bad choice and they are disappointed in themselves.I even see the loss of someone by their own hands, or even by accident.
Floods of emotion posted, words of encouragement commented below.

Well to that I have a quote:

“Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.”
― Deepak Chopra

This touches deeply with me, because I was the queen of "learning relationships" and I am proud to say with the proper guidance (I have some pretty dang amazing friends) I have found the lessons left, the knowledge, after the disappointment, heartache, pain, and healing. 

I am not talking solely about romantic relationships, which was the first thing that came to my mind in reading the quote. But upon further reflection I have learned valuable lessons from the close relationship I had with my father. I continue to learn in my relationship with my mother and brother, those boundaries are quite fluid and confuse me daily. My relationships with my Minis, what do I want our forever to look like and how do I properly build that. What is the right mix of love and structure, why it shouldn't hurt when they ask to spend the weekend with an aunt or friend.

My father was my first relationship. My mother used to say that we were unusually close, that we weren't normal, and that our relationship wasn't healthy.
Oddly enough, she brought this to my attention shortly after his death, her timing wasn't the best. I pride myself in thinking before I speak and trying my best to consider others feelings before I make comments, wellllll let's just say that didn't happen. I believe my response was quite harsh and along the lines of, "no mother, my relationship with you isn't healthy...what was my soccer number again?" My relationship with my mother hasn't been great, I've always felt fulfilled in my life with my father, but there are times I wondered why my mother didn't want to be a part of my life.
After his diagnosis, he offered my mother and brother to live in our home, to stay with us so that I had someone around to make sure I was OK once he died....she declined, and well, the events immediately after his death were mind-numbingly painful.

After my dad died, I was disappointed, my heart was broken, everyday I woke up in pain, aching for my daddy, why did God take the man that did everything for me, was everything to me?  F#!CK CANCER
I don't know...but he wouldn't want me to be crippled by his death, my dad turned the little stream I was into a badass river and dammit if I wasn't going to do good by him.

Disappointment, check.
Heartache, double check
Pain, yup felt it. * I lost my damn mind, to be honest*
Healing, under construction.
*As I type this my eyes burn with tears, my nose is tingling and my heart aches for the man I lost almost 14 years ago.*
Strength, check plus, under construction and getting stronger everyday!
Knowledge, I am a sponge and I want to know all I can about me and why.

Well damn, I had hoped after all these years I'd be better off with this loss. I'm not.

I was stuck in a rut for a few years, well about 8 actually.
And then I met someone.

I met Sam.

Sam is special, gifted and amazing. Sam helped me heal in ways only she could, and it worked, it is still working.

For years I fought my father's memory. I pushed him out of my head and my heart so I didn't feel the pain. I locked him up tight. But in locking up the pain, I also locked up the memories, the laughs and the time I had with him. That was wrong, dangerously wrong, in doing that I lost a part of me.

When my mother said that my father and I were unusually close, she was right we were, we are. Just because his physical presence was gone, didn't mean his spiritual presence was.
Like my dad would let a little thing like death stop him! Ha!

Sam gave me the tools I needed to feel him again. That is when I really began to heal, to open up and see him everywhere and from that I get my strength.

I will post more about this later, but I have to get ready for a fuzzy wuzzy adoption event with Recycled Pets NorCal.

xoxo
E